Having a hard time sleeping. I think it’s because this is one of the coldest nights I can remember and Toya is outside. Toya, my girlfriend of 31 years, died back in August when the air was warm and the earth was green. Now everything is grey, it’s beyond frigid outside, Toya’s underground and I can’t do a damned thing about it. I’m wishing all sorts of irrational things like: I wish I could take her a blanket. I wish I could warm the soil that surrounds her. I want to ask her how she’s doing. And yes, I know she’s not in that grave, but tonight that’s where she is for me. I figure my agony-relief options are pretty slim. I can either A: keep thinking of ways to make her warm and feel helpless or B: go back to bed and ask her to let me get some sleep (which for a while was the only way I could fall asleep). Let me see if B works. Let me lie down for a while and allow one of my Toya memories to be my lullaby. How I’ve made it this far without her laughter in my phone is beyond me. Let me pray the memory-plan works. Good night Toya.